if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
