Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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