good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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