i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
