Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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