there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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