Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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