We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
