we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
