Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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