I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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