Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
