I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
