Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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