The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
