A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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