I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
