you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
