So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
