Yo dont text me then not text me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We are all done wearing pants today
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
