yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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