I think I won the penis lottery.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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