someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
