my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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