dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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