I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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