Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
