She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
