matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
