I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
