I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't deserve a penis
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
