omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
