Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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