I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
