Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
