my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
