im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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