I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The uberlube is also flammable
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
