I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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