I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
