I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
