I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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