fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
