I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
