i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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