Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't turn off my feet"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
