please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
