sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
