3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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