It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
