got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
