When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
