Your tits are I can't wait for
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
